The Girl from the mountains

I know your face from a distant memory

Sitting on the rock looking at the sun setting into the dark
Those beautiful eyes… they hold a story…
Those beautiful eyes… shimmering in the evening bittersweet sun
Glistening with a drop from the past
Just as the evening breeze tries to get a glimpse of you,
You roll your hair behind your ears…as if
As if… you too want to listen to it…
As you gaze at the grey skies pushing the sun…
just enough to leave a silver lining
As your fingers touch the stream in the mountains…
just enough to feel and let it go
As you blow the dandelions into the grey sky…
just enough to blow hope into the storm
You turn the mundane into once in a life time… every time
Yes…your eyes could pierce through the sun too...
But for this evening..
It’s just your face and the silver lining that I need.

30! so soon??

Unbelievable! 30 years have gone by since I adopted this world as my home. In the larger canvas, my life might still be insignificant, but personally… man…what a roller-coaster of emotions… growing up was so easy and yet I could complicate it ;)


Every time an event seemed like ‘the defining moment’ ….. Initial euphoria and bust. I decide on something and never follow through.


Anyway,


Life starts at 30, I think yes. For some reason there is more optimism in me about 2015, I think this year would help me discover myself or may be define or may be create a new ‘me’. As people who know me, this search has always been on.. basically leading to nowhere, but I am hopeful that life is going to take a turn for good sooner… let’s see…


May be I would  open up my mind a little more… unwind the complexities of life knit by knit… open up my wings, jump off and fly…


Work is good; though need a kick of some sort. Coming year is important for many reasons. There are some long pending decisions. Have taken baby steps on some, but I need to speed up.


One important thing for anyone and everyone is ‘an internal motivating factor’, haven’t found one yet but my vision is less blurry, that’s good I hope. I am trying to come out of the shell, chained, shackled I have been in for a long time. I don’t regret the fact that the world has moved on, but it is certainly difficult to catch up, in certain sense. I have never lost belief in myself, its just that the fall was too deep and the climb back up was too steep, I think I have crawled back.


A little less self-critical, a little more willing to make the changes I need to make in my life.


I will.

I realize...

I am tired of wasting my time, again sleepless for not having a reason in life.

Although things are moving this time, At least I am conscious right now.
The moment of truth happens in every second.
Yes I realize it now
There is no stopping until I get it all
The reasons to live are abundant.
But the reason to build it my way is what I had been looking for.
Do not know where this is leading but I do know that this is true to my heart.
Life is not what it looks like
It is but in the moments when my blood boils
Not out of anger but out of the strength I realize I have
Yes it has been a mind game until now…
where I have lost a thousand times.
And I refuse to call them a defeat as I stand on my own this time.
I know the best person I can be, I am not that yet,
I will strive no matter how impossible it might look like
Not until I die but till I be the one that pushes me from my heart.

The Dream Seller

Ohh… I am missing you so much today… every time I look at life without you… beyond you…, I am stuck again, where I was, when you left..You know, for a while..A music full of hope was playing around and then… it stopped. 2 years and counting


What am I, an American with an ancient Indian attitude!! Or is that a good sign… I just feel that I was true when I first thought that I wouldn’t last beyond 30, and yet again I prove myself right..
Happiness for me is just so short lived… always!

I believe, there are three things I want in life
1. Power(knowledge)
2. Love
3. Money(it’s a byproduct anyway)

Well if you find ‘love’ EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING follows… no matter where you are, what you are doing.
And if you lose ‘THAT’ you lose everything…. I hope you understand what is important (to me).
Some of you might get confused by what I just said, but I have almost always faced this challenge… between the mind and heart (or simply it’s a fight between you and your subconscious)
Someone back in the day suggested that I need to see a psychiatrist and another one said that I need to pray (specific lines from bible) Ohh… I am such a prick off the path… a brick off the wall….can’t help!

Lost...

I still have your pic on my mobilephone,

While you have someone else thinking about you.
I kiss you every night in my dreams
While you are kissing your man.
I couldn’t give you the money
But I had lots n lots of love that you needed
Now you have both
And I have just my love n loneliness.
I needed you
And you needed them to be happy.
May be I am not close to mine..
But I know for real…. I can love someone so much that I lose myself in it.
My life still goes on in the journey like every one else’s does
Yours does the same..
The difference… you have the love of your life
N I…………..I am love.. don’t know what to do of myself..
Am I done for this life?
Hey I am 27… but I believe its worth not more than 30.
Kill me now… what am I gonna do now anyway without you..

Where am I

Where am I

People call it the world or life.

Well I don’t see either

I am intoxicated, intoxicated with love, long lost, but I am still high

Not letting me to wake up,

Neither letting me to sleep

Just making me dream, dream again a shattered dream

Life moved on I stayed back,

Only thing I got to do is push the needle of the clock to the next second

Until I stop breathing.

Isn’t it better to lose life than to lose faith

I keep my hands open to feel the embrace but what a pity

Even the wind shys away

Being human is a curse I feel

Would have been a tree

Atleast I would have made friends with the breeze        

Cried till death

I have cried myself to death, now I am just a dead man walking on…

Smiles once in while… spreads smiles... but whats beneath..

Is the cancer called love killing… the world never leaves me alone…

No complaints no one sees it…so I still walk…

Lost my heart n soul for long… I am tired

Tired of crying myself to death..

Back then I could see me walking a path chosen…

Now I am lost in the crowd frozen…

Where am I except once in a while in the mirror, even that’s my reflection..

And its aint no more like me..

Life is uncertain for sure…where am I going I don’t know any more

I see people in the crowd talking about what they want from life….I see some having got all… whats your point you are still in the crowd!

Me…searching in my mind… the million dollar question “what would drive me?”

Last time something drove me crazy… when I fell head over heals for that lady

The question remains what would drive me?

In the frozen crowd I struggle to move my way out

I am stuck coz I have no clue of directions, hope I am not going back again.

I would lead the way someday

Few things have helped me aloft, but whats my ray of hope?

I have no answers for half the questions asked.. need to have them asap

I always believed that time heals all, except I guess ‘me’… its just running away from me…