Its 21st March 2010 today, last few months my life has been a rollercoaster ride. By July I was having a strong urge to change my job and get into something more interesting. Because this was monotonous and these are not the kind of people I want to work with, people for whom sustenance of any relation is based on profits generated. Fuck them.. I am not one of them.
Tried to talk to Tabu but failed. She was too busy; basically she did not want to talk to me. But I still tried to disturb her and failed again.
Doing my work half heartedly I pushed myself till November and then thought that I would join IAS coaching for next prelims. Had discussions with my parents, close friends and some aspirants and finally put my papers on 16th November 2009. Then I went to a marriage in Luck now in December. A huge party, met some friends from the MBA batch. Had a great time, ate lots of food ! then I left for Delhi to see one of my school mate from 10th standard, now she is a lot different from what she was then. She is a lieutenant in army. Very happy to see her after such a long time, then I also met another friend who was my crush in 10th ;) though I had met her a few months back in Hyderabad. Spent some time with them and then retuned to Hyderabad the next day by flight. In office I was getting my affairs straight. Finally I got relieved on 31th December 2009 had a blast that night! After that the days were going in finding the best institutes in the city for IAS also thought of joining a foreign language class.
Then on one day I got a call from Tabu, most unexpected:
Me: Hi how are you?
Ta: not good..
Me: why??
Ta: I am getting married.
Me: ohh. When
Ta: on 21st Jan
Me: ok
Ta: I kept my promise[which was: if she ever gets married she would inform me first][I had almost forgotten about the promise]
Me: hmm.
Me: wish you a happy married life.[that was not what I wanted to say ‘marry me instead’]
And I kept the phone.
I was on my bike on the way to a friend’s place. All through the way my tears were rolling down profusely I just couldn’t stop.
It’s all over for me, and it’s all over me.
My mind was blank and the memories of the time we spend together were running in my mind in a flash. The thought was ‘was this a dream that just broke, or was it for real’ ‘did I know this girl or was it a figment of my imagination, did we spend time together, did I love this girl, did I have dreams that we were living happily with our kids’. And while all this was going on in my mind, my eyes went on the speedometer of my bike which was showing a constant number 75 kmph which was high for me in the traffic of Hyderabad. Thankfully I didn’t crash anywhere. Suddenly the reason for me being alive seemed meaningless.
I had only one goal in my mind till then, which was Tabu and now I was blank.
Night I was thinking to leave for Trissur (her hometown). Then thought, may be its all over, she is getting married and I should be out of her life completely, so better not to go. But by morning I had decided to meet her before she marries someone in 5 days. I packed my stuff and went to the station to catch the train which takes 1 whole day to reach Trissur. I didn’t know what I was going to say to her. I called her up and told I was coming, and she was fine with it, I went to her home next day evening and she was dressed like bride (well almost) I just hoped she said ‘Deepan just take me away, I want to be with you’, though that was not going to happen. Met her, her parents & her sister in law. We were not getting any privacy out there I wanted to talk to her I wanted to tell her that I love her and wanted to marry her. But the whole situation was tight with the preparations on full swing, and there was no sign of worry from her side it was all good for her.
She introduced me to her father, an old man with tired and worried eyes. Suddenly all that love I had for Tabu was fading in the power of love of her parents for her.
How could I ask her to marry me, what would happen if she says yes (though it was highly unlikely), these questions just kept my mouth shut. But then I called her out and asked her whether she was happy with the marriage, coz she didn’t look like and also whether I should talk to her father. She said ‘no this is not the right time or situation to talk to her father on this’ probably she meant that the time for any discussion was over.
‘Tabu, had you said yes just once, things would have been different and I assure you
‘for better’’.
Since it was evening I had some snacks and tea there. And left, her father came to drop me at the station. I asked him there whether she was forced to marry this guy, he denied it and said it was all with full approval from her, I told him that she was not very happy about the whole marriage thing and I wanted him to discuss with her before she gets married, becoz I felt it should be with her full assent.(I really didn’t have any hidden agenda of mine)
And I left, I called her up and told her about my discussion with her father, she was furious about the thing. She kept the phone.. that was the last time I ever spoke to her.
The whole night I sent sms’s to her…. But by now I was out of her life…..forever.
She was the best thing that could ever happen to me. Tabu …the way she walks, talks, smiles, stares, cries and laughs..she just amazes me with every single thing she does…I still doubt, was she for real? Or was she a dream?
Tabu if you are reading this ‘I still don’t believe you are married, it just can’t be.’,
Today, the pain I feel is something like someone is pressing a sharp knife slowly in to my chest, don’t know when its going to touch my heart.
And about my life…another job, IAS or something else.. I don’t really see anything beyond her…my life is at a dead end….I just don’t have any place to run….I just want to tell my parents about the whole episode and want to die peacefully….
Two months have passed since her marriage… and I am still clueless about my life… I am just waiting for my bank balance to get over…and then I might go back home…and then???...as I said I have no clue about my life
First love won’t fade so easily… may be…. never..
But until then my blog would continue ;)
Tried to talk to Tabu but failed. She was too busy; basically she did not want to talk to me. But I still tried to disturb her and failed again.
Doing my work half heartedly I pushed myself till November and then thought that I would join IAS coaching for next prelims. Had discussions with my parents, close friends and some aspirants and finally put my papers on 16th November 2009. Then I went to a marriage in Luck now in December. A huge party, met some friends from the MBA batch. Had a great time, ate lots of food ! then I left for Delhi to see one of my school mate from 10th standard, now she is a lot different from what she was then. She is a lieutenant in army. Very happy to see her after such a long time, then I also met another friend who was my crush in 10th ;) though I had met her a few months back in Hyderabad. Spent some time with them and then retuned to Hyderabad the next day by flight. In office I was getting my affairs straight. Finally I got relieved on 31th December 2009 had a blast that night! After that the days were going in finding the best institutes in the city for IAS also thought of joining a foreign language class.
Then on one day I got a call from Tabu, most unexpected:
Me: Hi how are you?
Ta: not good..
Me: why??
Ta: I am getting married.
Me: ohh. When
Ta: on 21st Jan
Me: ok
Ta: I kept my promise[which was: if she ever gets married she would inform me first][I had almost forgotten about the promise]
Me: hmm.
Me: wish you a happy married life.[that was not what I wanted to say ‘marry me instead’]
And I kept the phone.
I was on my bike on the way to a friend’s place. All through the way my tears were rolling down profusely I just couldn’t stop.
It’s all over for me, and it’s all over me.
My mind was blank and the memories of the time we spend together were running in my mind in a flash. The thought was ‘was this a dream that just broke, or was it for real’ ‘did I know this girl or was it a figment of my imagination, did we spend time together, did I love this girl, did I have dreams that we were living happily with our kids’. And while all this was going on in my mind, my eyes went on the speedometer of my bike which was showing a constant number 75 kmph which was high for me in the traffic of Hyderabad. Thankfully I didn’t crash anywhere. Suddenly the reason for me being alive seemed meaningless.
I had only one goal in my mind till then, which was Tabu and now I was blank.
Night I was thinking to leave for Trissur (her hometown). Then thought, may be its all over, she is getting married and I should be out of her life completely, so better not to go. But by morning I had decided to meet her before she marries someone in 5 days. I packed my stuff and went to the station to catch the train which takes 1 whole day to reach Trissur. I didn’t know what I was going to say to her. I called her up and told I was coming, and she was fine with it, I went to her home next day evening and she was dressed like bride (well almost) I just hoped she said ‘Deepan just take me away, I want to be with you’, though that was not going to happen. Met her, her parents & her sister in law. We were not getting any privacy out there I wanted to talk to her I wanted to tell her that I love her and wanted to marry her. But the whole situation was tight with the preparations on full swing, and there was no sign of worry from her side it was all good for her.
She introduced me to her father, an old man with tired and worried eyes. Suddenly all that love I had for Tabu was fading in the power of love of her parents for her.
How could I ask her to marry me, what would happen if she says yes (though it was highly unlikely), these questions just kept my mouth shut. But then I called her out and asked her whether she was happy with the marriage, coz she didn’t look like and also whether I should talk to her father. She said ‘no this is not the right time or situation to talk to her father on this’ probably she meant that the time for any discussion was over.
‘Tabu, had you said yes just once, things would have been different and I assure you
‘for better’’.
Since it was evening I had some snacks and tea there. And left, her father came to drop me at the station. I asked him there whether she was forced to marry this guy, he denied it and said it was all with full approval from her, I told him that she was not very happy about the whole marriage thing and I wanted him to discuss with her before she gets married, becoz I felt it should be with her full assent.(I really didn’t have any hidden agenda of mine)
And I left, I called her up and told her about my discussion with her father, she was furious about the thing. She kept the phone.. that was the last time I ever spoke to her.
The whole night I sent sms’s to her…. But by now I was out of her life…..forever.
She was the best thing that could ever happen to me. Tabu …the way she walks, talks, smiles, stares, cries and laughs..she just amazes me with every single thing she does…I still doubt, was she for real? Or was she a dream?
Tabu if you are reading this ‘I still don’t believe you are married, it just can’t be.’,
Today, the pain I feel is something like someone is pressing a sharp knife slowly in to my chest, don’t know when its going to touch my heart.
And about my life…another job, IAS or something else.. I don’t really see anything beyond her…my life is at a dead end….I just don’t have any place to run….I just want to tell my parents about the whole episode and want to die peacefully….
Two months have passed since her marriage… and I am still clueless about my life… I am just waiting for my bank balance to get over…and then I might go back home…and then???...as I said I have no clue about my life
First love won’t fade so easily… may be…. never..
But until then my blog would continue ;)
1 comment:
wel... for someone who is completely aware of the whole situation all i hav to say is that...
Its your world; just you and god
i'm a silent spectator,never let anyone take your life away,
Never allow anyone to crush your dreams, after all its your life..
So move on.. nomatter wt and hw...
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