Today is 6th November 2010, I woke up at 4 am, with just one thought ‘I am so bloody worthless’, should I be alive? That’s definitely not the thought one wants to wake up with. Whenever I think about the future It's just ????, if it’s confusion then it’s understandable, but I don’t have choices to get confused!! First ‘it’s blank’ second ‘I don’t have the fire in me anymore’. I am not doing my job up to company’s expectations, I am angry on myself and I don’t know what’s wrong, lack of conviction, self motivation or something else. After lot of soul searching I get a simple answer, I am at the wrong place at the wrong time, basically me still alive is wrong. One thing that I learnt in this soul searching is that, for a person like me, aimless life is suicidal.
Each day I get up in the morning I am not interested in any single thing, I feel I am slogging on just to finish the day and try go to sleep again.
I bought a guitar to learn how to play it, now I am not going for the classes.
I left sales, I am into sales again, ya I do like the people I am working with. But I am pretty sure that I am not a sales guy. And the worst part, I don’t know what am I good at???
I bought lot of magazines but don’t read ‘em.
I want to buy an SLR taking a loan but I am not sure whether I will stay in this job for long.
I am pretty much in a ‘not so good’ trance. Sometimes it seems to me that I would rather sleep forever than be in this situation.
My life has paused where as the lives of people around is running fast.
At 25 you can’t go back to your parents and take rest. I don’t want to do that anyway… but the question remains what do I want to do?
Though I am now thinking to do CA, still there is lack of fire. Don’t know where my life is heading, in my last blog I had thought that it’s the dead end, now it is a little further I guess.
I’ve always believed that when people are with me, they are all smiles, whether they smile with me or on me, as long as every one is happy. It’s not a missionary statement of some sort. It’s just the fact that when you see people you like, smile, it automatically puts a smile on your face. Try it! It works!
For me it does work in that moment. And then I am back to square one.
I write blog when I am confused but this time I am writing coz a friend of mine said I am not regular blogger,
Hey there, I am a borring blogger..I don’t want to become a regular borring blogger ;)
Coz My:
Life's: Fucked up!
Job's: Screwed up!
Love's: Lost!
Money's: Invisible!
2 comments:
Ahh u hav every qualification for the blogger dear..
coz 1st thing, U Can Write,
2ndly It Sound Sense
3rd People Can Easily Relate
4th U Dont Hav to Think like Salman Rushdie to write a blog..
and finally i want you back to be the old fun loving serios angry young man, not a shadow of him...
guess this confession is a starting.. and as i know all the above things and as i can perfectly relate to it, guess all i want to say is I Understand You..
I can understand the pain u r going through coz i know u past 4 years.But just think who will have the capability of retrospecting themselves. you have that capability.And you can be great writer too.I would love to support you in writing a book.
Deepan,
You are the best friend i have in my life and who can understand the pain with a smile.(Saala, daaru peene thak hi seh sakthe ho, peene ke baadh tho "Pappu cant control saala"). I am there for you and I will be there for you. I feel that you r the "Coolest HOT Guy" and a friend I have ever known in my life.Thank you for your friendship in my life.
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